10 Ways Microsoft's Retail Stores Will Differ From Apple

xan_user · Post by **xan_user** » Fri Feb 13, 2009 8:17 am

"Microsoft announced plans to open retail stores, hoping to boost visibility of many of its products and its brand. The move seems to be an effort to mimic the success that Apple has had with its retail stores. The news is just too tempting not to have some fun with. So here are some yet-to-be-officially-revealed details about the Microsoft stores."

1) Instead of Apple's sheer walls of glass, Microsoft's stores will have brushed steel walls dotted with holes -- reminiscent of Windows security.

2) The store will have six different entrances: Starter, Basic, Premium, Professional, Enterprise, and Ultimate. While all six doors will lead into the same store, the Ultimate door requires a fee of $100 for no apparent reason.

3) Instead of a "Genius Bar" (as Apple provides) Microsoft will offer an Excuse Bar. It will be staffed by Microsofties trained in the art of evading questions, directing you to complicated and obscure fixes, and explaining it's a problem with the hardware -- not a software bug.

4) The Windows Genuine Advantage team will run storefront security, assuming everybody is a thief until they can prove otherwise.

5) Store hours are undetermined. At any given time the store mysteriously shuts down instantaneously for no apparent reason. (No word yet on what happens to customers inside).

6) Stores will be named Microsoft Live Retail Store with PC Services for Digital Lifestyle Enthusiasts.

7) Fashioned after Microsoft's User Account Control (UAC) in Vista, sales personnel will ask you whether you're positive you want to purchase something at least twice.

8 ) Xbox 360 section of the store will be organized in a ring -- which will inexplicably go red occasionally.

9) DreamWorks will design a scary in-store theme park ride called "blue screen of death."

10) Store emergency exits will be unlocked at all times so people can get in anytime they want even if the front doors are locked.

http://www.pcworld.com/article/159521/1 ... tores.html

Eyedolon · Post by **Eyedolon** » Fri Feb 13, 2009 11:30 am

I like the way you think.

I'd like to add that they'll have each of the four walls of the store painted either red, green, blue, or yellow - and they'll hire incompetent contractors so the walls will _really_ curve.

spookmineer · Post by **spookmineer** » Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:11 pm

Hey... I'm a PC.

vertigo · Post by **vertigo** » Fri Feb 13, 2009 7:08 pm

11. Each store will take up 6 city blocks of real estate.

12. At the entrance there'll be an information kiosk saying "Where do you want to go today?"

13. If your credit card isn't accepted, the kiosk has a troubleshooting wizard.

14. At closing time, the store and all its contents are cryogenically frozen overnight and thawed when the store opens.

15. There is a drive-thru, but only for MSDN members.

16. Each store will have a specially trained dog to help you find what you're looking for.

I can't think of any more.

rpsgc · Post by **rpsgc** » Sat Feb 14, 2009 2:05 am

17. It won't be "gay".

Sorry, couldn't resist. Too much MS bashing in here

thejamppa · Post by **thejamppa** » Sat Feb 14, 2009 3:35 am

Despite bashing M$ is fun, I've always liked Bashing Apple too...

18. M$ store will have Altar, where store staff and store goers are forced worship money, offerings are of course money. In Apple store Altar is dedicated for the Steve Jobs, offerings are apples and ability to play games like Dead space, F.E.A.R. 2 and BioShock with your Apple computer.

Matija · Post by **Matija** » Sat Feb 14, 2009 4:35 am

rpsgc wrote:17. It won't be "gay".

It won't be stupid, first and foremost.

I have roughly zero respect for people buying overpriced shiny gadgets with a horrible operating system whose service packs cost money.

People who buy Apple products are just stupid.

rpsgc · Post by **rpsgc** » Sat Feb 14, 2009 5:36 am

Matija wrote:People who buy Apple products are just stupid.

!!!

How dare you speak the thruth?!

LOL

Post by **Ralf Hutter** » Sat Feb 14, 2009 8:05 am

xan_user · Post by **xan_user** » Sat Feb 14, 2009 9:28 am

rpsgc wrote:17. It won't be "gay".

Sorry, couldn't resist. Too much MS bashing in here

totally un-called for!

It does sums up the depths M$ marketing is willing to stoop.

rpsgc · Post by **rpsgc** » Sat Feb 14, 2009 10:18 am

xan_user wrote:
totally un-called for!

So bashing Microsoft is cool but saying anything bad about Apple is not? Oooh kay then.

thejamppa · Post by **thejamppa** » Sat Feb 14, 2009 11:39 am

Apple doesn't sell products, apple sells lifestyle.. or at least an imago of it. They're really good at it. Apple MP3 players are really good but their computers these days are medicore, just well designed but I would not personally pay 200-600$ extra for a diesgn and a Apple logo on my computer, especially knowing I can't play much games with it.

bonestonne · Post by **bonestonne** » Sat Feb 14, 2009 11:53 am

what about +$200 just to have it in black

mathias · Post by **mathias** » Sat Feb 14, 2009 1:16 pm

thejamppa wrote:but I would not personally pay 200-600$ extra for a diesgn and a Apple logo on my computer, especially knowing I can't play much games with it.

That's the price of the OS, the well regarded support, and all of that sort of crap. Microsoft isn't much less shy about charging it either, except that they're willing to use a sliding scale because they're fanatical about getting everyone to use their products.

rpsgc wrote:So bashing Microsoft is cool but saying anything bad about Apple is not? Oooh kay then.

Of course not, bash apple all you want, but do it right!

thejamppa · Post by **thejamppa** » Sat Feb 14, 2009 1:23 pm

Apple computers do have their good sides too. I love way Mac has made the ram module system. That is pure genious. But still OS can't be 300$... And you have to buy computer with it... But I guess that's why there are Hackintoshes....

If Apple would sell their OS' separately, I would jump on gun with them...

edh · Post by **edh** » Sat Feb 14, 2009 1:46 pm

Well I don't like either company.

19. Any time new stock has to be put on the shelves, the staff will ask shoppers to leave, then shut down the shop to restart it so that the new stock is available for purchase.

20. The more time you spend in one, the less likely it is that girls are going to want to talk to you.

ACook · Post by **ACook** » Sat Feb 14, 2009 2:06 pm

21. Every time a product gets pulled off the shelf because it's not performing or because nobody buys it, it leaves behind sticky breadcrumbs, messing up the floor, eventually requiring a total refurbishment.

mathias · Post by **mathias** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 3:24 pm

thejamppa wrote:But still OS can't be 300$... And you have to buy computer with it...
...
If Apple would sell their OS' separately, I would jump on gun with them...

If apple sold their OS separately, it wouldn't perform as well, it wouldn't be as secure or glitch free, and maybe it would mean less funding for developing the OS on top of that. Maybe they could sell some sort of compatibility layer / add on for other Unicees, that way they could let their software environment get a bit more widespread without overextending some of the more vulnerable parts of their technology ... but that would probably only work if linux/BSD/whatever was seen as a lot more accessible, and even then I doubt they'd consider it.

xan_user · Post by **xan_user** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 3:44 pm

rpsgc wrote:
xan_user wrote:
totally un-called for!

So bashing Microsoft is cool but saying anything bad about Apple is not? Oooh kay then.

Bashing both companies is fun!

Putting down Gays to do it, is never ever cool.

What next? linux is for Ni**ers?

blackworx · Post by **blackworx** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 2:25 am

xan_user wrote:
rpsgc wrote:
xan_user wrote:
totally un-called for!

So bashing Microsoft is cool but saying anything bad about Apple is not? Oooh kay then.
Bashing both companies is fun!

Putting down Gays to do it, is never ever cool.

What next? linux is for Ni**ers?

Hear, hear. And before anyone jumps in and starts with the "two meanings of gay" thing, might I remind people that using the word 'gay' as a pejorative term, regardless of your intent, does nothing other than perpetuate a negative stereotype. Besides, I know plenty gay guys and gals who would find the association with Apple downright offensive

.

Pass the popcorn Ralf.

spookmineer · Post by **spookmineer** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 5:20 pm

When Microsoft and Apple find this thread, they are going to cut expenses on advertising.
No need to bash eachother for money if people already do it for free.

Actually, that's a good thing, more money for R&D.
Ok, keep on going!

JoeWPgh · Post by **JoeWPgh** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 7:31 pm

When exiting the store, you'll be required to enter your activation key without the aid of a magnifying glass, then spend 45 minutes on the phone with someone in India. They may or may not let you go.

xan_user · Post by **xan_user** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 9:18 pm

23. When the news stores fall flat on their faces after roll out, they will be re-announced under a new name, yet remain completely unchanged otherwise.

24. If you don't have access to a phone or internet you can't fully use the store.

25. Anything you touch or move in the store will make an annoying confirmation sound.

stmok · Post by **stmok** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 3:55 am

thejamppa wrote:Apple doesn't sell products, apple sells lifestyle.. or at least an image of it. They're really good at it.

Need to improve here...
=> Apple doesn't sell products, Apple sells a faux lifestyle of egotism and superiority; while charging a premium price at the same time.

Ego and superiority is a very good human weakness to poke at...Especially if you want to make money from it!

The one weakness of this perceived lifestyle image, is that they need to control everything...To the point of potential extreme. See the following:

(1) http://www.computerworld.com/action/art ... ws_ts_head

(2) http://news.cnet.com/apple-iphone-jailb ... copyright/

(3) http://www.macworld.com/article/138821/ ... apple.html

As for Microsoft's attempt at a retail store? They've tried this 10yrs ago. Search for microsoftSF. They closed it down about 2 yrs later.